Log in

No account? Create an account
The Semi-Official Stargate Command Handbook [entries|friends|calendar]
The Semi-Official Stargate Command Handbook

[ userinfo | livejournal userinfo ]
[ calendar | livejournal calendar ]

[27 Sep 2006|08:25am]

[ mood | ish ]

   "Ok so what was it that I just had to see?" Elizabeth asked as she entered Nika's office without knocking, as usual.

   It was a few days after Nika had sent out the basewide email, and her list had been the talk of the SGC ever since. People had been making up rules left and right and most of them were good. A few of them were even pretty funny. Like the one she'd heard one of the gate techs  tell a friend, "I am not allowed to speculate on the personal lives of SG-1." or "No dancing in the Gate Room," which had been put forth by one of the SFs. Needless to say when she'd gotten an email from Nika this morning she'd figured that is had something to do with the list.

   As usual she was right.

   "Look at all these emails!" Anika exclaimed, gesturing at her monitor where her email inbox was open showing several dozen, mainly unopened, emails all with subject lines relating to the now infamous list.

   "They've been popping up since the afternoon after I sent that flipping email. The few I've read have actually been pretty good. I've been thinking...what with the new Big Bad and all, things around here have been kind of morose lately. I think something like this could be a big morale booster. What if we created a web page for it on the bases intraweb? That way nobody without access would see it." She said excitedly.

   Elizabeth looked over the list of emails and thought for a moment before replying, "Yeah we could probably do that, of course we'd have to ok it with the General. I think its a good idea though. Why don't you go ahead and write a memo to Landry and forward me the emails. That way I can start compiling a list and if we get the ok we can start creating the site." she finished.

   "You mean I can start creating the site." Nika said with a smirk.

   Elizabeth rolled her eyes, "Yes, yes, I know. It isn't my fault you're better with HTML than I am. Besides we both know if I did it you'd just have to go back and redo most of it anyway...it saves time if you do it."

   Another smirk, this time accompanied by a nod.

   With a final roll of her blue eyes Elizabeth waved her water bottle in a vaguely dismissive manner to Nika as she wandered out of the good doctor's office and down the hall to her own, already contemplating the format of the list and the site’s possible layout. By the time she reached her office and sat down at her computer she'd already started compiling a list of graphics and features that she needed to check with Nika about.

   A quick check of her email showed that Nika had already forwarded the emails along with a copy of the memo she'd sent to General Landry. There were over 50 messages to sort through, so after confirming that she didn't have anything pressing to do at the moment she opened the first one.

   “From: Maj. Marcelle Renard PhD. (mrenard@homesec-sgc.mil)

     To: Dr. Anika Saleem (asaleem@homesec-sgc.mil)

     Subject: RE: Rules


   I love this idea. On behalf of the Linguistics department here are a few rules we’d like to see…

1)      I am not allowed to order anyone in the linguistics department to help me finish my crossword puzzle.

2)      I am not allowed to make up a language and then challenge Dr. Jackson, or any other member of the linguistics department, to translate it.


   Elizabeth realized she was going to need a master list to keep up with all of the suggestions, so she opened a new word document and started with the original three from Nika’s  email and began adding others as she went. As she sifted through the emails she moved them into a folder labeled simply “The List.” When she was done she had nearly 30 “Rules” on the list, there would have been more but there had been quite a few repeats, and a few she just refused to add.

   She saved the file and jotted a quick email to Nika, attaching the list.

   “From: Lt. Col. Elizabeth Paine PhD. (epaine@homesec-sgc.mil)

    To: Dr. Anika Saleem (asaleem@homesec-sgc.mil)

   Subject: The List


      Here’s the list so far. Have you heard back from the General yet? Let me know what he says. Should we add who submitted the rule? I think it might make it funnier. Lunch?


The Rules List

1.            I am not allowed to order anyone in the linguistics department to help me finish my crossword puzzle.

2.            I am not allowed to make up a language and then challenge Dr. Jackson, or any other member of the linguistics department, to translate it.

3.            I am not allowed to declare myself emperor of any inhabited  planet.

4.            Nor am I allowed to claim uninhabited planets.

5.            I am not allowed to switch either Dr. Jackson or Lt. Col. Carter’s coffee with decaf.

6.            I’m not allowed to tell Lt. Col. Carter there is no blue Jell-O…especially if there really isn’t.

7.            Being exceptionally annoying does not constitute a reason to Zat someone.

8.            I should not begin mission reports with “Long long ago in a galaxy far far away…”

9.            I am not allowed to sing “We’re off to see the Wizard” while skipping up the ramp and through the wormhole.

10.        Or on the way to the infirmary.

11.        It is not a good idea to wear one of the Goa’uld voice changers during a post mission physical.

12.        Dr. Mackenzie is not evil and I should stop telling new recruits that he is.

13.        I am not allowed to demand that Dr. Jackson prove that he actually speaks 23 languages.

14.        I am not allowed to use intars to play laser tag with the Marines.

15.        Nor am I allowed to use zats.

16.        I am not allowed to juggle the artifacts.

17.        Even if they do just look like rocks.

18.        Humming the “Imperial Death March” whenever I see Mr. Woolsey in the hallway is not a good idea…even if SG-1 starts it.

19.        I am not to refer to the gate as “My Precious”

20.        I should not teach new SG team members to say offensive or rude things in Goa’uld under the guise of teaching them useful phrases.

21.        I am never to mention the infamous Blue Dress within Col. Carter’s hearing.

22.        I am not allowed out of my office when the President visits Cheyenne Mountain.

23.        Replicators are not to be referred to in reports as “Evil Demon Legos,” even if that is a fairly accurate description.

24.        Nor should they be referred to as the “K’nex Set from Hell”

25.        I am not allowed to blame flying monkeys for any problems experienced on or off world…except on P63-0165.

26.        I am not allowed to use the base PA system as my own personal stereo system.

27.        No dancing in the Gate room.

1 Rule | Broken

It starts... [24 Aug 2006|07:15pm]

[ mood | hungry ]

Dr.Anika Saleem walked quietly down the hallway towards the briefing room. She had been called there because SG-13 came back with information they thought would prove of interest to her. As she approached the room, she passed two members of SG-8 and couldn't help but overhear their conversation.
"I heard you got in trouble for that juggling on our last recon mission?"
"Yeah. Apparently the items I was using were artifacts of some sort. How was I to know? They looked like rocks!"
Dr.Saleem paused a moment to let the concept of that sink in. ‘Juggling artifacts? I wonder what the punishment is for that?’ Putting it out her mind she set back on her course to the briefing room. It was not until much later as she sat in her room at her computer that it crossed her mind again.
“I wonder what other semi-ridiculous ‘rule’ I can come up with.” She said out loud to herself as she opened a blank document and began to type.

1.There will be no juggling of artifacts while on base, off base or off world. Even if said artifacts resemble rocks.
2.Being exceptionally annoying does not constitute a reason to Zat anyone. Especially people from other worlds and fellow SG personnel.
3.No SG personnel (military or non-military) are allowed to blame flying monkeys for any problems experienced on or off world. The only exception is if one is on mission to P63-0165.

Dr.Saleem laughed as she re-read over what she wrote. She wondered if anyone else would find it as amusing as she did. After opening up her email, she decided what could it hurt to send it to just Elizabeth. She would certainly find it amusing.


I overheard a someone in the hall today and it inspired this list of so-called 'rules' I hope you enjoy it as much as I did.


PS. Breaking of any of these rules is punishable by death. ^_^ Just kidding!

With a couple clicks of the keyboard the small list was sent. Unfortunately for Anika, she has not noticed that instead of sending it to Elizabeth, she had accidentally sent it to the entire stargate command personnel.

1 Rule | Broken

An Introduction to the Handbook [04 Aug 2006|02:39pm]

[ mood | amused ]

Hello my name is Lt. Col. Elizabeth Paine, PhD. and I along with Dr. Anika Saleem, PhD. work for the Department of Homeworld Security out of Stargate Command (SGC) on level 14 of Cheyanne Mountain. One of our duties is to field complaints, comments and suggestions from both base personnel and Atlantis Expedition members. In the course of this it was brought to our attention that there was no comprehensive listing of the various rules and regulations which apply only to SGC personnel in both the Milky Way and Pegasus Galaxies. This led us, after much discussion, to begin compiling the aforementioned rules & regulations, as well as other useful information, in a format that would be easily accessible by any and all SGC personnel.

A large portion of our original handbook is derived from items found on a list compiled by an Airman who wishes to remain anonymous and whom we simply refer to as Skippy. Airman Skippy has compiled a list of things he is not allowed to do at the SGC which we will go slightly more in depth to explain.

Suggestions for additions to our Handbook are welcome, though should this handbook ever become an official document some may need to be omitted.

Thank you and have a nice day.

2 Rule s| Broken

[ viewing | most recent entries ]